I remember way back, when Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County (2004-2006) first premiered on MTV. I was a big fan of the first two seasons, then I moved on to watching The Hills (2006-2010), and again found that I was only a fan of the first two seasons.
I found that after the first two seasons of The Hills, the drama seemed to have become highly manufactured, with the stories of the cast becoming more and more unbelievable. I mainly watched Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County and The Hills because it gave my brain a break from reality. The problems the people faced on these two shows just didn't seem that difficult and I liked watching strangers resolve their seemingly simplistic problems.
I still watched The Hills to the bitter end, but it was so bad I kept rolling my eyes at how fake it was. It had become a circus and I couldn't wait for it to finally end.
The Hills: New Beginnings (2019- Present)
When I heard that The Hills was going to be revived, I was, well, slightly interested. I figured if the same people were involved in the production of the new show as the old show, it would be just as bad. Still, I was thinking that whenever I saw the trailer, I would base whether I watched it off of how bad it seemed. Well, it looked pretty bad. Lots of facial fillers, Botox, possible and definite plastic surgery, sun-damaged skin, children, divorce, marriage, and a few new-ish people, or at least new to this show.
But you know, even though it looked terrible, I was still game to watch it. I knew I'd be curious no matter how bad it was, so I decided that The Hills: New Beginnings would be the next terrible show to take up some room in the ol' Google Fiber Disaster Box.
Well, first, everyone certainly looks different. I have to say, Stephanie Pratt is frightening. I don't really get the whole, let me fill my face with fillers and Botox so there are no wrinkles or lines anywhere. The human face is supposed to move. It's also supposed to have some lines and yes, even some wrinkles. Stephanie has none of that. Nothing of which makes her look human by any stretch of the imagination. Instead, Stephanie has got some Uncanny Valley shit going on and it scares the hell out of me. She's a pretty girl and she really looked fine before all the injections. I kind of hope she chills out on those and gets back to looking like a human being again.
Heidi and Spencer Pratt actually look pretty good, considering how much plastic surgery Heidi had done. Heidi's facial swelling went down tremendously and at some angles she looks a lot like how she used to look before she had that day of something like 20 surgeries at once. Spencer looks like he goes and gets a lot of facials done. His skin doesn't look as sun-damaged as some of the other cast members (I'm looking at you Brody, Jason, Audrina, and Whitney). I'm not sure if he gets fillers or Botox, but if he does, I can't tell.
Justin Bobby looks pretty much the same except he has shorter hair. His skin looks a bit weathered, but it's definitely not as bad as other cast members. Use your sunscreen people! (Use mineral sunscreen too, you don't want to kill the turtles and shit).
Okay, So Pretty Much Everyone Looks Like A Sun-Bleached Corpse, What Else Is Different?
The new cast consists of Spencer, Heidi, and Stephanie Pratt, Brody and his wife, Kaitlynn Carter, Jason and his wife, Ashley Slack, Audrina Patridge, Justin Brescia, Brandon Lee, Mischa Barton, Whitney Port, and Frankie Delgado.
The stories this time are just boring and seem like a rehashing of what happened before. They don't really seem that fake, but they are fake in a way that I don't really believe that these people would be hanging out with each other for any reason other that they are being paid to do it. I believe that the drama that is created from essentially making them hang out is real, because these seem like the kind of things that would actually happen, but I don't believe that it would ever happen in real life because as you get older, most of the time you have better things to do than hang out with people you don't like or don't have anything in common with.
Typically, most people have a shitload of things to do each day, like go to work, make dinner, wrangle children, take a luxurious five minute crap without anyone talking to them for like five whole minutes,,,,you know, life stuff.
The Never-Ending Story Of Audrina and Justin Bobby
During the first few episodes, it will surprise no one that Justin Bobby still jerks Audrina around. It is frustrating to watch and is exactly the same dynamic as it always was. I wholeheartedly believe Justin will continue to jerk Audrina around if she lets him. I honestly don't know how she deals with him. He's very weird and says a lot of non sequiturs, which makes it seem like you're talking to the Caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland.
If some guy told me he was going to pick me up for a date and didn't show up (but then told me to drive to the date myself), I'd drive over to where he said he'd be (in this case, Justin Bobby's house), give him the finger, then drive off to do something cool where non-losers hang out.
Everyone on the show is like, oh Justin Bobby is nice, blah, blah, he's so cute and has amazing eyes...um no. He's a dick. He's a dick and if I was Audrina's friend, all she'd hear when she'd say, oh noooooo, Justin Bobby didn't pick me up, blah, blah, is...He's a dick, duh, what the hell did you expect?
I tell you what I expect, I expect Justin Bobby to continue to say weird shit and never get his life together. Also, he's terrible at singing. I mean the absolute worst. Like a cat in a blender, nails on a chalkboard, screwdriver in your ear bad. If you can avoid that part of the third episode, do it. Also, I really, really, really, hope they don't feature any more of his singing; it's just as bad as Brandon from Siesta Key and I don't deserve this MTV, I just don't.
Wait, What About Everyone Else?
Spencer and Heidi
Spencer and Heidi had a boy and his name is Gunner. All they show of Gunner so far is that Gunner has an assistant. Okay, WTF Mom and Dad, where was my assistant? I had a lot of shit to get done before I turned two and I had to do it by myself! Fail, fail, fail. Although, to be fair, none of the other kids on the show seem to have assistants, so maybe that's just a weird Pratt thing.
Spencer and Heidi seem normal for well, them. Spencer is into hummingbirds (which is actually pretty neat) and crystals (still), and Heidi is into...I don't know, going to lunch with people who don't really seem to like her that much? Maybe we need a few more episodes to see what Heidi is like now, because I honestly haven't seen that much from her.
Brody and Kaitlynn
Brody and his wife Kaitlynn have been married for a few years and she's pressuring him to have kids. It's weird to watch them together because it's obvious he'd be fine with never having kids and she wants them pronto. I always saw him as someone who would never want the responsibility of kids because he thought a lot about everything that could go wrong and it scared him off. It'll be interesting to see if and when they have kids in the future or have arguments later.
Brody and Spencer have a kind of fractured friendship that stemmed from the old show, so they argue a lot about who hurt whom.
Brandon Lee is kind of boring. He's the son of Tommy Lee from Motley Crue and Pamela Anderson and he used to model and sometimes acts. He also sometimes dresses like Hunter S. Thompson for some weird reason, so that's entertaining. He seems like a try-hard, but that's pretty common with people his age, so my assessment is he's not a stand-out in any way, but he's not annoying or a dick either, so...meh, I don't know, we'll have to see.
Mischa Barton is a weird addition to the show because although she is famous, she doesn't really seem to be comfortable on the show. She's usually kind of to the side, trying to be a part of the conversation and no one really ever brings her into the fold. She has more meaningful conversations with people one-on-one though, so it makes me think she may just be introverted and finds it easier to talk to people one-on-one. She's a "we'll have to see" too, because I just haven't seen that much from her.
Meh. Whitney is like white paint on white wallpaper, with some white bread thrown on it. Boring. I'm not even sure what her personality is like now because she's one of those people who says a lot without really ever saying anything, you know? We'll see if she pops up some more and actually says something interesting in the future.
Jason and Ashley
Jason and his wife Ashley have a daughter. They seem to live a pretty normal life and in the first few episodes, he seems to be sober, which is a huge change from when he appeared on Laguna Beach and The Hills. I read that he became sober after making some changes, recently relapsed, but is on the road to recovery and remaining sober. Other than showing him briefly and his wife Ashley hanging out with a few of the girls on the cast, there's not much to say about either of them yet.
Frankie does something with clubs, I think. Maybe. Who knows anything about that guy? Maybe one day I'll find out something about him other than his penchant for drinking, going to clubs, and having a permanent smile on his face. Maybe Homer Simpson put vaseline on Frankie's teeth too.
I'll probably continue to watch this show. I can't say I really like it, but I can't say I really dislike it yet either. If it gets cancelled, I won't be sad. Hell, I might not even notice that the DVR doesn't record it anymore, but I'll watch it because it's a train wreck and we all know how much I love those.
Are you a fan of Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County? The Hills? What about The Hills: New Beginnings? Do you think it's a train wreck? Let me know in the comment section below!