I know most of you don't know me, but I have the most random thoughts pop into my head throughout the day. Most of these thoughts are spoken out loud when my husband is around, so he knows how weird I am, but I thought I'd share some so completely random strangers would know too. 'Cause you know, why not?
In no particular order, here are some random life observations I've recently had:
Grape Nuts are the souls of elves harvested by Satan. In other words, I hate Grape Nuts. They are the milk thieves of the cereal world.
If I was Blanche in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962), my crippled ass would've made a sled out of a door and I'd be down those stairs calling the police on Jane lickety split. Then, as she was being arrested, I'd be doing a dance in my wheelchair, singing, "I've called the police on your crazy ass..." to the tune of "I've Written a Letter to Daddy".
I wonder how long I could get away with riding a flying unicorn. Probably about five minutes before someone organized a capture party and an hour before I was in some room being questioned by the FBI. Personally, I think the unicorn should be questioned too because if it can fly, it can probably talk.
Why wasn't that guy who played Santa in the film A Christmas Story fired? I mean, he pushed a kid down the Santa slide with his boot (on the kid's face, no less!). That's pretty fucked up if you ask me. People would be losing their shit if the Easter Bunny tried that on a kid. Double standards if you ask me.
Every time I see those children in Trader Joe's with the mini shopping carts I want to stop them and ask them where they work and if they have a 401k. But you know, you can't just approach random kids and question them like you're Arnold Schwarzenegger in Kindergarten Cop (1990).
I once tried the clotted cream ice cream cone at Florean Fortescue's Ice-Cream Parlour in Diagon Alley in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios in Orlando and even though the guy tried to warn me by expression alone that I probably would hate it, I tried it anyway. Ever had plain yogurt in the form of ice cream? It was the grossest thing I ever had there (most of the other flavors are really good though) and I couldn't get the taste out of my mouth the whole day. I single-handedly made sure no one else in line got one after they saw the expression on my face when I tasted it and handed it back to the guy while saying, "Eww, I don't like it". However, I enjoyed the ice cream cone I actually bought (salted caramel blondie), several people outside were stopping and grinning while watching me eat it, so I probably helped sell some too.
Maybe Netflix should rename themselves, "Ugh, There's Never Anything to Watch" or "I Thought We Got Rid of This Last Month", because that's what I say every time I open it.
I was once walking by the McDonald's drive-through with a friend in Laurel, Maryland at about 9 p.m., next to where the old Laurel mall used to be at night and yelled, "I'd like a McShittle!" (I was probably like thirty feet away). Then I heard, "WHAT!?" I started laughing and walking quickly away and I kept hearing "WHAT!? WHAAAT?! A MCSHITTLE!? WHAAAAAT?!!" I was laughing so hard I ran around a corner to rest so I wouldn't pass out from laughing. My friend was like, "Oh my God, what is wrong with you?"
I hope you found this entertaining. Please share some of your random thoughts below!